The last two of the four verbal acts to be avoided, as described in Words of My Perfect Teacher by Patrul Rinpoche, are harsh speech and worthless chatter. The meaning behind these two is fairly self-evident. Harsh speech is disrespectful and insulting to others, such as pointing out another flaws – physical or otherwise. Worthless chatter is distracting to others and may include gossip or speaking without a purpose. As we have seen in the previous actions to be abandoned, performing these actions to the detriment of a spiritual teacher or the Sangha is the most serious transgression.
Many times we feel a powerful need to express our feelings or opinions about one thing or another. We could have an uncomfortable amount of activity in the mind and think that if we could just share it with someone else, we would feel better. And yet we have all been on the receiving end of these verbal eruptions, with the accompanying distress and energy depletion which can be passed on. Many times when we feel the need to vent, it may be better to say nothing at all. Rather take the time to consider not only your own motivation, but also the potential impact on the other person.
In his book Momentary Buddhahood, Rinpoche quotes a Tibetan proverb which says “Speech is like a lamb’s fleece, while the mind is like a vat of poison.” Rinpoche is pointing out an alternative extreme we can easily fall into. We can become so focused on outer conduct (such as our speech) that we overlook our inner conduct. If our outer conduct creates the appearance of a kind, diligent, compassionate individual, but our inner conduct is actually is one of strong anger, desire or ignorance we are being inauthentic. We should strive to keep our inner and outer conduct congruent and purposeful through mindfulness and self-examination.
We are all connected and our words are powerful. An entire Sangha’s accumulation of merit can be diminished by one individual’s distracting, aimless or caustic talk. Can you think of an instance in your own life where you became acutely aware of the power of your own words? What examples are there of the negative or positive influence of one individual’s words upon many other people?
In the Dharma,
Sarah
#1 by Yontan on August 11, 2010 - 1:58 PM
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“Congruent.” It is said that the one good thing about negative actions is that they can be purified. The outer is much easier to control than the inner, but as you mentioned this can sometimes lead to a façade that even we believe ourselves. I sometimes find myself thinking something negative or judgemental or careless, and instead of blocking it I’ll just say it out loud, as some sort of confessional. My thought is that the more I expose my faults the easier they are to understand and purify. Not sure how well it’s working out, but sometimes it’s very revealing and humbling. I’d say pride and desire are pretty up there in terms of my own dominant kleshas. These can both lead to harsh speech but in the long run, harsh speech with a quick and sincere apology may do more to create good relationships and proper motivation than “zipping up” and later trying to meditate on why we wanted to say such a thing. And I haven’t found much that’s more effective at smacking my pride than publicly admitting to a very spontaneous moment of verbal idiocy.
[Disclaimer: Before taking this or any other medication, you may want to consult your doctor. Side-effects may include but are not limited to: indigestion, dermal atrophia (thin skin), trouble sleeping and oral leakage.]
#2 by SarahJ on August 11, 2010 - 2:14 PM
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Good point, Yontan, I like that idea. Repressing our afflictive emotions could be like a never ending spiral propelled by aversion. Whether we choose to say something harsh and apologize, or to not speak but right then look at what we wanted to say, at least we are aware and dealing directly in the moment.
#3 by Yontan on August 11, 2010 - 3:16 PM
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Maybe when I get good at it, I can preface it by saying: I’m about to say something stupid.
LOL
#4 by Allison on August 12, 2010 - 9:32 AM
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Thanks so much for your comments everyone, and your wonderful writing Sarah! It is great for all of us to be reminded of how one verbal expression can have a snowball effect…!
#5 by Julie on August 12, 2010 - 9:18 PM
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Oh, how difficult it has been to finding mindful speech!
I was bullied as a shy, quiet child, and didn’t discover a voice or my own opinion until my 30s. I then became arrogant and prideful. Cultivating the middle way–speaking up when needed (and invited) and knowing to remain quiet…I have many regrets on both extremes.
I have been on the receiving end of unsolicited and hurtful ‘advice’ and I have given the same. I realize now that offering my opinions of others serves only my own ego; even if asked, speaking gently and kindly, as I would want to be spoken to, is my goal. When I fail, as I will, I examine myself for the ego influence and apologize.
While pondering this topic, the words of Shantideva came to mind (Well, the “like a log you must remain” part, anyway. Which is the most important part for me to remember…)
When the urge arises in the mind
To feelings of desire or wrathful hate,
Do not act! Be silent, do not speak!
And like a log of wood be sure to stay.
When the mind is wild with mockery
And filled with pride and haughty arrogance,
And when you want to show the hidden faults of others,
To bring up old dissensions or to act deceitfully
And when you want to fish for praise,
Or criticize and spoil another’s name,
Or use harsh language, sparring for a fight,
It’s then that like a log you should remain….
And when you want to do another down
And cultivate advantage for yourself,
And when the wish to gossip comes to you,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.
#6 by Yontan on August 13, 2010 - 10:38 AM
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“…even if asked, speaking gently and kindly, as I would want to be spoken to, is my goal. When I fail, as I will, I examine myself for the ego influence and apologize.”
Excellent, Julie!
I want to be like what you said, too.
#7 by Chris Lemig on August 14, 2010 - 10:05 AM
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Wonderful quotes and comments…thank you all!
I have said some pretty terrible things to people in my time and I have seen the devastating effects my words can have on them. I have called even my friends nasty names, cut to the bone of their weaknesses, exposed the shame I know they feel, all in the name of winning the argument or asserting my self in some misguided and frightened way.
I know I’m still not one hundred percent authentic when it comes to lining up my inner and outer conduct. Goodness knows that if I spoke outloud just a quarter of the judgmental, condemning and downright mean-sprited thoughts that come unbidden to my mind, I wouldn’t have any friends at all no matter how many heartfelt apologies I gave. So for now, until I’m better at working with the inner, I think biting my tongue and remaining like a log is a pretty good place to start.
#8 by Clotilde Wright on August 14, 2010 - 8:21 PM
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I tend to be on the “hold things in” end of things, but I definitely am capable of mindless chatter and venting negativity on occasion (which seems to be different than having an appropriate conversation about feelings or talking about what’s going on with you).
I agree, it can be difficult to find that middle ground somewhere between too much containment and not enough containment. And I think we should try to have compassion for ourselves and others when we make mistakes.
I find that one thing that can lead me away from “gentle and kind speech” is a fear of being boring or a desire for excitement and entertainment in a conversation. Which seems to be related to a desire to solidify the ego, or a lack of trust in just letting be. I remember hearing before I went to Japan, that unlike in America, Japanese people are OK with silence and you don’t have to feel the need to fill up the space. I think we can tend to feel that something is wrong if there is too much silence.
Lastly, I’d love to hear at some point about how people deal with being on the receiving end of “harmful speech” or other negativity; how to be like a lotus and let the grime roll off, rather than taking it in or being a victim of it. Its hard!
#9 by Yontan on August 15, 2010 - 6:42 AM
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Thanks Chris and Cloe. Both your comments together seem to highlight the importance of intention. If in a given moment we are cherishing someone as our past mother and wishing them happiness, what comes out will certainly not be mean. We may still need to work on the skillfulness, but it’s a lot easier to take harsh truths than meanness – at least for me.
As for the receiving end, we all have experience with it! Lojong teachings are a big source of inspiration for me. Bodhicaryavatara as well. When someone says something harsh to me, I have to think there’s likely an element of truth in it. It can actually be difficult to get your friends to tell you anything meaningful about your faults. (That’s one piece: thankfulness.) If they are coming from a hurt place themselves, then there’s a reason for compassion, like when a kid doesn’t get what they want and gets so worked up that they kick you. (Another piece: compassion/forgiveness/forbearance.) When we look at what is really happening, it’s just one deluded person – hurt and confused – making noise at another deluded person – hurt and confused, and in terms of how painful samsara is it usually doesn’t even register on the dukkhometer (delicate instrument used to measure dissatisfaction). All we can say is that some noise happpened among the confusion. (Another piece: regard all sounds as echos.) In the lojong teachings we are admonished to “drive all blames into one.” Regardless of who’s right, the reason I’m offended is my own self-cherishing attitude and fragile ego. This is the real enemy, not the person who exposes it and reminds me why I’m on the path. So when I see this self-cherishing come up, to the best of my ability, I simply regard it as old luggage or trash or even poop I never wiped off, and jump away as quickly as I can. (The last piece: renunciation.)
So, in turns, being thankful for some truth (as well as the ego-exposure), being forbearing of objects worthy of compassion, hearing sounds as echoes, and renouncing my own clinging to worldly reputation; none of these are particularly easy, but usually I can doggy-paddle over to one of them and find my way out of the crushing feeling we get when someone says something harsh.
This all depends on how important the other person is to me, but I tend to gather around me people who know how to share some love and kindness.
…like you guys!
#10 by Clotilde Wright on August 15, 2010 - 11:06 AM
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Yes, I was thinking about an incident at work where someone I have had a good relationship with said something to me in a way that hurt and I felt really affected by it. I think in these types of situations, it can be helpful to examine what happened and maybe think about if there is something that needs to be addressed with the person.
“Regardless of who’s right, the reason I’m offended is my own self-cherishing attitude and fragile ego.” I’ve found the 4th step used in 12 step programs to be helpful in examining this. The main idea being that “self seeking is the root of our troubles”.
You write down what it is that hurt you or what it is that you resent, and think about what did it affect in you: your self-esteem, security, etc. And then you look at your part: Where was I self seeking, etc. (Driving all blames into one)
For example, When I examine the situation at work, the intensity of my reaction did come down to a fear in me of loss or a withdrawal of love. In the 12 Step language they would say, that your security or self esteem cannot come from something outside of you and you need to trust in a Higher Power.
For Buddhists, you can apply the ideas about the emptiness of self and others, trusting in basic goodness or Buddha Nature, generating compassion, etc. Writing can also help you to gain clarity about what if anything you need to do about a situation.
#11 by David S. on August 15, 2010 - 5:54 PM
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Thanks to everyone for these great conversations. I have been reading many of the past posts today and am very inspired by all of you to be more mindful!
#12 by Angela Tsultrim on August 20, 2010 - 12:54 AM
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I remember my refuge Lama always saying to me, “you just never know who’s a Buddha or Bodhisattva….”, as in be careful what you say or do to others. I wish I could always keep this in mind, and boy if I had, on certain occasions I would not be cleaning up half the messes I am cleaning up now in my life. It is so easy to jump with fear/anger when something threatens my comfort level. Why just the other day, I was practicing and getting some good juice from it, praying really hard to meet Guru Rinpoche face to face. It had just rained after I was done practicing and just by chance I looked out my front door, and a beautiful rainbow was glowing in the sky. I felt like he really heard me and so I went outside and sat on my front stoop and continued to make aspirations to become just like Yeshe Tsogyal and really hook up with Guru Rinpoche. Out of the corner of my eye, what appeared to be a drunken man was walking down my side of the street. I got frightened, and offended that how dare this man encroach on my prayer time, so I hopped up, went back inside and slammed my door shut, and about 5 seconds later I recalled my old Lama’s voice saying..”you never know who’s a Buddha or Bodhisattva…”, and I opened the door up hoping drunk guy had not passed yet, thinking, ‘Oh No! That could have been Guru Rinpoche and I just blew it, was I not just praying to meet him,’ but he was already 3 houses down the sidewalk and I just watched him walk away …. he did turn and looked back at me, and the funny thing was right after he turned back to look at me he began walking regular, not like a drunk guy. I don’t know, I hardly have “Buddha recognition vision” but boy did I feel like a chump after wards, apologizing up and down to Guru Rinpoche and doing tons of Vajrasattvas for once again praying to be close to Guru Rinpoche but really very scared of it too, if it really were to occur. I wonder how many times I have prayed to meet Guru Rinpoche in this life and past lives and yet have run away from him too. I mean, I did not actually verbalize anything, but boy did I say alot with my door slamming. One thing for sure, I went from super bliss mode to sucks-to-be-me mode all in the moment it takes to, well, …. slam a door. It just feels like hell to possibly think you have just slammed the door on Guru Rinpoche, I don’t think one can feel any lower, so please, I implore you all, anyone could be a plain clothes Guru Rinpoche, please be careful.
#13 by Yontan on August 20, 2010 - 1:10 PM
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Wow, Angela – quite an experience! Sounds like you may have learned a lesson though. Are you better off after it than before? Maybe it “sucks a little less to be you.”
I have to tell a story about karma told to me by Khenchen Tsewang Gyatso (maybe you’ve heard it, too) about a Brahmin who was praying to Indra to please alleviate his financial troubles, praying and praying and praying. Finally one day Indra decides to cut the guy some slack, so as the Brahmin is walking down the road, Indra lays a length of gold chain on the ground in his path. The guy’s walking, and walking, getting closer, and then suddenly has the silly thought: “I wonder what it would be like to walk with my eyes closed.” He shuts his eyes, la-la-la, walks right past the chain, opens them, shrugs somewhat dissatisfied with his boring day, and walks on home.
When your karma will not bear it, there is nothing to help it. When your karma will bear it, there’s no stopping it. Your experience the other day was perfect and right on time, if you ask me.
#14 by Yontan on August 20, 2010 - 1:14 PM
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I’ve been trying to focus a little more on the “worthless chatter” bit. Funny when your motivation is on target, your words have so much more meaning. Even the silence is so much more powerful. Then from out of that, some urge to say something useless or gossipy comes up, and right with it that bad taste we were talking about on the subject of lying. (Or when? Don’t recall.) It’s a great practice itself: just making sure that everything that comes out of your mouth has some meaning associated with helping beings. I have a lot of non-dharma friends with whom it’s easy to fall into random chit-chat, but who never turn down the opportunity to have a “real” conversation. Sometimes just waiting for someone else to instigate.
#15 by Angela Tsultrim on August 21, 2010 - 12:51 AM
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Well, maybe I am slightly more aware of when the fear is on the rise, Yontan, but aversion and the ensuing reactions seem to happen so fast. I still feel the regret that I could have possibly missed a wonderful opportunity or blessing but then again, maybe it was just a drunk guy walking down the street … I’ll never know now. It has helped my focus when I give a massage. I seem to be able to remember or think while I am working, “…cool, this could be a Buddha or a bodisattva on my table,” and then something really deepens at that point, so yes, maybe I have bettered from it, but I gotta say, I pray I am never the one to close their eyes when Guru Rinpoche walks by, someone should just shoot me at that point.
#16 by Angela Tsultrim on August 21, 2010 - 12:01 PM
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I feel I should restate something. I believe every time we are in front of our dear Lama’s we are in front of Guru Rinpoche or atleast make best efforts to remember that it is Guru Rinpoche before us, so shame on me for thinking I missed out on great opportunity, I receive great blessing and opportunity every time I am before my Lama’s. I guess it is best to say, rather, every time Guru Rinpoche tests me with his vast disguises, I tend to flop on my face. I am getting alittle tired of this face flopping so maybe soon I will be able to flop into the nature of the mind instead.